beautiful misdeeds

2008-08-02T01:40:00.000-07:00

i have to decide, whether is it the truth i'm speaking? or am i just merely trying to convince myself.

what do you think?

2008-08-01T06:28:00.000-07:00

well i guess never say never - me who used to be anti-mac bought a macbook in the end. and i'm truly loving it. just that knowing myself, the white will be atrociously yellow in no time. maybe i should wear gloves while using it.

2nd point: dreading sch

3rd point: manic depression

2008-07-30T09:24:00.000-07:00

maybe one day you'll realise

2008-07-26T03:16:00.001-07:00

i think watching the dark knight was the most rigorous activity my brain did ever since A levels ended which was about 8 months ago. i'm even surprised that my attention span could last over 2 and a half hours. haha

i am so dreading for school to start it's like this gnawing feeling inside me that wont go away. i've been sleeping in the whole day and it's already 620pm. and i still feel exhausted. all the late nights are finally taking a toll on me, maybe my body is ageing. hmmm maybe being 19 aint the same as being 18. maybe i should stop coming home at 4plus am every night. but this new found freedom where i tell my mom i wont be home early and she says "have fun" and she doesnt sleep in my room to check the time i come back, i'm enjoying every bit of it.

2008-07-25T02:09:00.000-07:00

10 days to go till my life takes a huge step forward. as i come to think of it, i have no clue whatsoever on what university entails for me. was it even the right choice to study law at nus or should i have stuck to what i have always wanted, business at smu. the more i think, the more it seems like there was no choice for me at all, my parents vehemently objected the idea of smu, but i'm sure i could have put my reasoning and persuasion power to good use and opted to be a smugger.

" if you don't let me go smu, then i won't even go to uni at all. i can just accept smu's offer and decline nus's. you can't do anything you dont have my application numbers nor my pin numbers. this is what i want why do i want to do law when che did it already. why do you want 2 lawyers in the family...."

i'm sure it would have been something like that or maybe even worse. all the additional shoutings, screamings, crying from me. haha. i also think, if nus rejected me, i would definitely have gone to smu biz&acct. so in a way, once i had nus's acceptance there was no other choice. well it's a little queer that i'm having all these thoughts only now when it's definitely too late already. so well, cheers to embarking on hell mission sem 1.

__________________________________________________________________

my days have indeed been good, well my car came on july 18th. everyone hates the pony sitting on my dashboard. andrew took dumbo (the stuff toy elephant) next to the erp unit and threw it all the way to the back where my cutesie turtle monk tissue case was sitting. thanks steffi and andrew for the thoughtful present.

well i thought to myself since uni is going to start soon, i must really play the hell out of the remaining week. i meet the guys everyday, the girls every alternate day. nowadays i get to come back anytime i want. i really dont know what exactly i've been doing. just a lot of coffees, a lot of ciggs, a lot of bumming, a lot of laughing. but i like days like these. nothing to worrry about and you get to spend time with your friends. there isn't anything to get angry and emotional about because i don't expect anything anymore, so i've been all peaceful with myself. which is a good thing, definitely.

the only thing that happened was the day at jon's house when pearl came to talk to me when andrew left to buy food. i was hesitant initially but michh said that i should. well maybe i was a little too harsh with her, i mean if i put myself in her position she must have been feeling scared and bad at the same time. but the thing that got to me were the kind of screwed up responses she gave. especially the last part i guess i lost it. but i mean if you wanted to talk to me, shouldnt you think about what to say at least? well andrew said that she was never good with words and all but seriously, i would rather we have not had that conversation at all. i guess i didnt mean to be that harsh and all.. but really, think of what you want to say to me first since it was you who wanted to talk to me in the first place. makes sense?

okay i should go and bathe. it's already 530 pm and i'm still in pjs. l:

2008-07-06T10:30:00.000-07:00

say hello to the newest addition of the p-plate family. ME! hehe i passed my driving test on thurs and life changes once you get your license. well it changes even more when you get your carrrrrr. <3 <3 <3 the tester told me "very good, well done..." and it's certainly one of my proudest achievements mannn.

i had better enjoy what's left of the holidays. tomorrow going parkway with S. wow really exciting life for me hereeeee.

okay gonna head to gardens now. bye!

2008-07-02T09:34:00.001-07:00

everyone knows that the truth hurts. the truth stings terribly, like rubbing salt against your wound over and over and over again, firmly and slowly. and more salt is added when you start thinking of it, again. or like making a little cut on your wrist, and you continuously cut the same spot again and again, with no caution how deep it gets. well the main point, the truth hurts. and somehow, the truth hurts more and more as the days go by even though it's supposed to go away with time.

it's scary how time flies? last november we were saying we have an 8 month holiday. now - there's less than a month left till uni starts. tomorrow i'm taking my driving test, and im terrified. there's so much pressure and i keep on thinking what if i fail.

i can safely say that my life is different now. at the end of the day, it will be the same few who stick with you, who you know will be there no matter what. because what we have is real. thank you girls, the 3 of you. i don't know what i'd do without you.

2008-06-23T11:40:00.000-07:00

gee the last post was horrendously emo, so please don't mind me because after reading it again i feel stupid and i hesitate to delete the post because effort was put in to type it out and i dont want to let it go down the drain (despite how stupid it sounds)

sigh the money in my bank account is depleting at an alarming rate that im starting to feel so poor, i think twice before buying a drink from a convenience store. yes it's that bad. in my attempt to make my financial plight much less a strain, i took a bus and mrt to get to boring old orchard road today, and to come home i took a train to raffles place to meet my sister after work so that i can get a cab ride back with her where she charges it to the company because she works so damn late nowadays. and now im practically worrying about how im going to survive the rest of my holidays even though i still get pocket money from my parents but im sure it will not be enough. sigh it really sucks to be broke.

so today since my house has no food at all, i was starving the whole day with absolutely nothing to eat in the house then i went to meet michh in town where i finally ate, and we walked around and window shopped for a bit..... but again due to my sorry financial plight, you guess the rest. love you michhhhhhhhh <3 <3 <3

tomorrow i am meeting my dearest pau for coffee at 1230, then im gonna go town to walk around and shop for a bit and maybe meet jp (i have started calling him JAPES, sounds easier than like J-peee J-peee) haha ok i should get off

2008-06-20T13:31:00.001-07:00

sometimes i feel like god is really playing tricks on me, or maybe intentionally giving me a hard time because of all the wrong that i've done and making things happen the way i never thought would be possible. so when such unimaginable things happen, i am completely thrown off course and i dont know how to handle myself. and you can't blame me because for once in my life i really don't know what is the right thing to do and what is the appropriate reaction i should be having. i really am lost, confused, angry, sad all at the same time.

so far two things have happened, both involving 2 of my friends. i don't know what else i can take. i'm scared to continue being around you all the time. i don't know what else will happen, i become an emotional wreck and it's really unhealthy for me. i dont think that i overdramatise everything, any normal person would react the same i'm so sure. neither do i want to put myself in a vulnerable position again where i could fall for you again and land myself back at square one. everyone, and i mean EVERYONE around me is telling me to completely stay away from you. that i shouldnt even be talking to you anymore. and that you are not worth my time and effort and everything because, to put it bluntly, you are an ultimate asshole. but both you and i know that it's so hard for me to cut off everything with you. somehow it's miserable to not have you around and at the back of my head i'll just start to think of you. somehow i have never changed my opinion of you despite all the shit that you've done to me, that you are truly a wonderful individual. but everything that you've done to me has proved me otherwise and i should be loathing/detesting you. maybe i am just waiting for you to confirm my judgement of you, so won't you please?

i told you that we should stay away from each other. but i find myself still secretly wanting, hoping to meet you or sthing along those lines. but im trying so hard to resist and im constantly telling myself no no no it won't be good for me at all. i keep on reminding myself of the shit that has happened, to persuade myself to just stay away because you're bad. but everything in my head is just screaming. am i weak? or do i just really want to be around you because it makes me happy.

it's really tiring. and it's unfair, how i go on each day like death, always struggling with my thoughts and emotions all messed up just thinking about you. but you on the other hand, your days are perfect. you go on with your life so happily because you've got P now. i feel like everything's just eating me away. and it's goddamn unfair.

that day when i first found out about you& M, i remember going crazy, just asking god to
"take away my pain
take away my pain
take away my pain...."
and i still remember saying it so many times as if i was chanting trying to calm myself down. well, i ask god to help me with that every single damn night still.

goodnight world, it's 5.35am

2008-06-09T11:43:00.000-07:00

We're not the same dear as we used to be.
The seasons have changed and so have we.
There's little we can say and even less than we can do,
to stop the ice from getting thinner under me and you.

We're not the same dear and it seems to me.
There's nowhere we can go with nothing underneath.
And it saddens me to say that we both know it's true.
The ice was getting thinner under me and you.

boring days and emo nights for the win. i swear maybe i should pick up g-forbid dota. well, just a thought.

2008-06-09T00:12:00.000-07:00

so the 23rd weekend of the year came and went by, filled with bizarre (or not) activities in an attempt to make my very mundane life much less a sad affair. nothing on friday because i had driving, yes my test date is nearing - 3rd july. on sat however, it was supposed to be sentosa plans with steffi, michh, steffi's andrew & co. in the afternoon. but i woke up at 1ish, ate and went back to sleep. and then i only woke up at 530. so i got changed up and my sister sent me down to sentosa, by the time i got there it was already 7plus pm. so we went to godforsaken pasir panjang for dinner at ROYAL prata cafe - refined briyani, perfect prata and charming service. that's what it read on their signboard. hilarious no? a must-try experience if you consider screwing up the orders as charming service.

harry's for a beer and then i went to double O to meet jp jon nic shiming and rest. but then of all days i was wearing flipflops and they refused me entry. (hehe i was just trying my luck) but the guys changed location for me despite me begging them not to, awww how nice. so we went to this most dingy-looking sleazy smoky karaoke pub. where jon almost got into a fight with 2 of the most ahbeng-ahbengs i've ever seen. but thank the lord for shiming and nic's tactful mediating skills which settled the issue. it's so funny cos the mike rotates from table to table where you can only sing 2 songs each time. and it's funny how some people are just simply tone deaf, you know the kind on idol where they think they really sound good but actually they sound like death? i swear. hahah

on sunday i missed morning mass, went for dinner with jaz and jp and then later at about 230 am lyds and jp came over to play crash team racer which i majorly suck at. (fuck all computer games im a noob) failed drinking session because i was too busy waxing lydia's arms which were hairy. i think it was painful but she was brave.

ok this week is a packed week. im leaving for hk on 12th june 4am, i'm coming back 16th midnight. going for law camp on 17th morning and only coming out on 19th night. hooray for schedules.

2008-06-05T21:08:00.000-07:00

Absence make her heart grow fonder
While I'm conquering the last frontier
Lately I've found myself wondering out loud
Wondering what I was doing here

One day you'll understand how much you have me
One day you'll realise we have it easy
I can't offer you the future - I don't know it myself
All I can offer you is me
I'm all I can offer you right now

Patience make her heart grow stronger
Reassure her she's where I want to be
Never was the grass ever greener
I'm about ready as I'll ever be

I'm all I am.

just when you thought the days couldn't get any worse. just when you thought you'd try. just when you thought that maybe things would be different. just when you thought you really mattered. just when you thought that he really cares. just when you thought you would give it your whole this time.

and don't you dare say that I called the shots, because it was you who was pushing me away. the insensitivity and nonchalance in your voice killed me, right there and then i realised that you are not who you were anymore. i wasn't ready to let go, you made me.

2008-05-28T04:31:00.000-07:00

it's only been 5 days since i stopped working, i thought i'd be enjoying this new found freedom and time tremendously, but boy was i wrong.

i hate the feeling of lethargy in me the minute i wake up from my bed to the very minute i go back to it. i hate the feeling of having so damn much time but yet i'm not doing anything productive with it. i hate the feeling of having the whole entire day to yourself but yet i dont exactly know what's going to happen. i hate the idea of going out and spending money yet you know it's never coming back to your account because your salary inputs have ceased. i hate the idea of facing these 4 walls when i lie on my bed the goddamn entire day because they're so boring and intimidating. i hate having to wreck my brains to decide what i'm going to do with the day and how i'm going to spend the hours.

basically, i hate what i have now because it's eating me up. i know the people out there who are struggling with their days and work are hating me for being a whiny bitch complaining about all this free time that i have, but trust me the feeling isn't good at all.

and lastly, i hate it that i have all the time in the world now to go zouk on a wednesday night but i don't feel like going because i'm too lazy to get changed up. lethargy for the win.

2008-05-22T05:08:00.000-07:00

last night while i was sitting at the balcony upstairs, i looked up at the sky and a different feeling came over me. the sky looked absolutely beautiful - as if the colours of the sky and the clouds were arranged in such a way to intensify the magnificence of nature. and then i saw a whole flight of birds suddenly fly across the sky. i expected myself to experience some epiphany right there because that's always what happens in movies. but hell no. all i remembered myself thinking was "i bet it's gonna rain tonight".

so many things have been going on in the world. right after the tibet unrest and olympics drama, cyclone nargis in myanmar, and now the earthquake in china. i should be really counting my blessings and feeling for the victims of the natural phenomenons, but again hell no. all i do is think about me, myself and i. how seemingly sad it is and whatnot. i know it's human nature to put one's self first, but i think i am absolutely one of the most disgustingly selfish person ever. all i do is think how my life is so fucked up. it's just me me me me me. this reeks of fish. and my pay is coming in tomorrow, i should be donating about a hundred dollars to the victims in myanmar (that thought actually crossed my mind) but it gets thrown aside with the contemplation of which designer bag is up on my list.

absolutely disgusting. the world is full of scums.

2008-05-20T06:53:00.001-07:00

the subconscious mind kills. even when you sleep, you don't get rest. even when you're so resolute to not think about it, you always do in the end, subconsciously. but i guess setting yourself not to think, is already thinking itself. so basically, your mind has no rest and you have no rest.

i wish i could learn more about dreams, and interpret it better. maybe i could use the time when i stop working to improve myself more productively. eg read a whole intriguing book at borders the whole day. (i haven't done that for a long long time) i always believed that whatever you dream, is exactly the opposite of what's going to happen in reality. cos so far that's mostly what happens. nothing i dream ever comes true. im such an amateur at dreams. i want to meet a real-life psychic.

sorry i just woke up so im drowsy and random.

2008-05-18T21:09:00.000-07:00

for the past few days, i have been having many conflicting thoughts. to put it simply, i'll go from happy to sad, then sad to happy again. really like a coaster ride, though im terrified of those.

well i told myself that i'd suffer from the consequences, and indeed i have and still am. choices that i've made havent proved to be good at all but i'll live and learn. if only i could really write down everything that's in my head here, but it's like making a public announcement and i musnt forget that this is worldwideweb. i have to again make this decision to tear my emotions away for good, and make that decision final. but right now it still isn't. somehow i find myself waiting, always at that corner peeking from the corner of my eye. as if i'm waiting for something to happen. now kill that thought, because not only is it selfish it's immoral. you know they say the thought itself is worse than the action? i beg to differ. trust me, the action stays on longer.

so besides this whole "gee cut my heart out with a knife" thing going on, everything falls perfectly into place and seems so surreal. the big news is, i got into NUS law and i was so goddamn happy but the happiness died down already. well it certainly is an achievement for me, you guys should know i was so scared that i wouldn't get it. now that it's here i don't know why im still thinking about smu business&acct. my parents definitely won't let me take that, but a little part of me wants to go there. nahhh screw that thought. but i bloody hell can't imagine myself slogging out like what my sister did, doing so much readings and writing so many essays.......... hopefully this will be the right decision to accept the offer. i most probably will but i'm scared.

and on fri night i was supposed to meet michh for our usual fri night outing, but smartypants me went to take a little nap at 5pm, set the alarm at 7pm to get ready and go meet her, and smartypants me got woken up by my mom at 330am after her mahjong game with just a simple phrase, " what time did you come back? " felt so guilty and pissed off with myself cos i missed one good friday night. but it's funny to admit, my outrageous sleeping habits.

last night there was a bbq party at qix's house. wasn't going to go but it all worked out well in the end. i had a hell lot of fun, as usual with my face so goddamn red. but it was funny and everyone was high i swear. throughout the night there was no callchecks from my parents and i reached home at 4am and no scolding whatsoever. amazingly unbelieveable. (perks of getting into the course your parents die die want you to go) haha.

okay then, it's vesak day, i have a hell lot to mark it's the last week of work for me. so have a good week everyone.

2008-05-10T10:43:00.000-07:00

it's been a week since i last updated, well i think the last entry cannot be counted as a post. my usual one-liners which i pull.

i think quite a bit has happened again. i'm sick of drama and i never did like it but somehow there always is. it's either drama in my life, or drama around me. there was never like even a hiatus from it. normally it will go away quickly, but somehow i feel this time it'll stay for pretty long. and also as always, the drama that happens with me is caused by me and to put it simply, i take the plunge that will bring me down.

just when i was "recovering" from the whole goddamn long andrew episode which wasn't easy at all for me. i thought i was doing very well, getting along fine and just putting everything back in place of how my life should be. and then sometimes i stop to think that why didnt i do this earlier it would have been so much better for me. but i guess i was too scared and i didnt want to lose him because he was indeed a very big part of my life and in a way i was very dependent on him. but i finally did it - got away from him and broke all contact with him. i do think about him and miss him at times definitely, life felt so different but it's really all in the mind, to make that decision and stick with it. not to be weak and come crumbling down, you know that sort of thing? i guess he's happy and contented now with his life too, so it works out for the both of us.

but the point here is that just when that whole emotional episode was over, something happened recently which again leaves me feeling all.. i don't know. lost? and the more i think about it the harder it is for me. everything just went so damn fast i didnt even stop to think if what i was doing is right. and it certainly isnt. and ever since my mind's been quite full. i want to forget it, i want to forget him because i know i cannot and shouldnt be doing this. but it's really so damn fucking hard. everything is one big complicated mess now. as usual i got myself into this and i have to get out of it. S said why am i the one saying sorry. and it's true! why didnt he even say that he was sorry. i mean although we both had a part to play, but in a way he played the bigger part so he should be the one apologising profusely isnt it? to put it simply, now it's difficult to just get him out of my head and it's so ridiculous because i didnt even like him at all before all this happened. WHY and HOW can i like him when his circumstances were just.......... a no-entry zone. okay i need to get a grip of myself. it was certainly too impulsive. and im suffering from the consequences now. i have to learn............... how to be a better person. to have more self-control. and to just forget. get along with life. i managed to move on from the emo andrew episode, i should be able to move on from this too. ughhhhh why did i even get myself into this messssss

now the 2 closest people around me are also indulging in some drama in their life. sigh guys we should find better things to do then

S: going on wild goose chases to dover
M: bothering and entertaining a psychotic screwed up asshole (sorry im just very angry)

note to self: restraint

2008-05-04T07:42:00.001-07:00

this secret will always be mine to keep, to remember, and to forget.

2008-04-28T05:40:00.000-07:00

the law written test (extremely summarised version)

case: the juvies are a group of students living in the student hostel and they are an exclusive group. Ching, a freshman wants to join their clique but was politely but firmly refused by them. she persisted, and they started calling her names like "pet" and asking her to "shoo away". they hung vandalised photos of her in their room, and deliberately left the door open knowing that she will walk into their room to see the insulting pictures. they mimicked and mocked her while leaving the window open, knowing that she will be listening to their conversation. this made Ching distressed and upset.

question: have the juvies committed an offence under section 13A- miscellaneous (public nuisance) act or are there any defences available to them?

what an essay to write about you tell me.. anyway that was on sunday, afterwhich michh simren and i rewarded ourselves with good ol' macdonalds. and again i'm sick of teaching, but hey i've endured it for 4 months now, what's another 23 days. and my neck is aching from hmm let's see turning it around to parallel park and perpendicular park aka backside park. how loser can i get........

okay okay a useless update. may day!

2008-04-23T08:04:00.000-07:00

tues: driving
wed: driving
thurs: driving
fri: law interview
sat: driving
sun: law written test AND driving

imagine.

2008-04-18T01:57:00.000-07:00

gee i think i havent updated for some time. anyway, life is pretty good now, very contented.

1) i got accepted into SMU double degree business and accountancy. so yayyy there's a backup for me now if i dont get into nus law. and smu is quite appealing. my mom woke me up very excitedly one day flashing a congratulations envelope in my hand. hahaha.

2) driving lessons are good, im taking driving about 3-4 times a week and my instructor said that maybe i can get my license by end may. and i hope what follows after that goes according to plan. hehe

3) i felt like a very dedicated teacher today cos i stayed back with the girls to finish up all their corrections and to guide them.

4) finally purchased my cc skye double wrap after so long.. and added on the gold screw in gun metal. and the brittany lady was so nice to give me a discount.. but since im using paypal for this, guess who's gonna be payingggggg...

5) my sweet sweet daddy went to hong kong for a business trip and bought perfume from duty free for me. plus i didnt know he bought one YSL for my sister too (to those who know my daddy you should know it's a real shocker. hahahaha. he actually knows what to buy! and the ysl one is really damn nice....... hehe)

6) im getting my pay real soon and this time it's the most i've received for only 2 weeks!

on the other hand, i cant believe how anyone can be so childish, but anyway that's besides the point.. it really doesnt matter. life is good and quirky and peaceful and im so so so contented with what i have right now. my priorities are slowly going back to what it should be. everything seems to be falling into place bit by bit. and besides, im meeting michh and candy later tonight. no clubbing just some pure catching up and loving.

hope life is good for all of you too!

2008-04-10T07:52:00.000-07:00

oh look, the "make everything better" button was here behind the bookshelf all along. though it took some time for me to find it. but eventually i still did.

i have been spending too much recently i really need to cut down on my spending habits. as my dad says it's a "buying disorder". it's transformed into a so-called addiction and obsession where my ever-ready S and i go mad together and wreck our brains in decision-making and finally just succumb into temptation in just a matter of maybe 20 mins? yes that bad

money can't buy you happiness, i call it temporary comfort. anyway johnballs and i had the most amazing beer ever at grapevine just now. TSING TAO beer. he he i've never heard of it so im highly amused it's some china shit i think but it was a bucket of 4 for $18. but he paid anyway so yay for me to saving money.

sorrrrry jp owe you one.

2008-04-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

it isn't supposed to be like this.

2008-04-05T12:26:00.000-07:00

i feel hungry and tired.. gee sounds like i'm a child labourer.

well on friday after school, i went home to rest and wanted to prepare for my SMU interview on sat. so i went to sleep at about 3pm, and set the alarm at 630pm. but the damn alarm didnt ring, so i slept right through the night till 8am the next day, when my interview was at 1015am. let's see 3pm to 8am was like 17 hours of sleeep. so i went for my interview in the morning. which i didnt prepare shit, but thank god it was okay. went for driving. then i went home to sleep again. so i slept at about 530 pm, and set the alarm at 730pm to wake up and was supposed to go out and meet the girls. but the alarm didnt ring yet again. so i slept right through and i just woke up. it's 130am. so that's another 8 hours of sleep. i've been sleeping so much it's not funny. and im hungry cos i havent eaten anything at all since the morning but i can't eat now cos there's nothing at home to eat. and im still tired. so im going to sleep now again, and hopefully my alarm rings tmr morning.

this is probably the first in about 2 years that i've not gone out on both a fri/sat night. i think i've taken a liking to it. sleep is important. and hey, i can save $$$

2008-04-02T09:37:00.000-07:00

" Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

in all ways acknowledge Him and he will make our paths straight"

2008-03-31T09:07:00.000-07:00

Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I'm young
For speaking out of turn
There's someone I've been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They're in their own place trying to make it right
But I'm tired of justifying
So i say you'll

Come home
Come home
Cause I've been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I've ever known
So come home

I get lost in the beauty
Of everything i see
The world ain't as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now
Well maybe I'm just dreaming out loud
Until then

Come home
Come home
Cause I've been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I've ever known
Ever known
So come home

Everything i can't be
Is everything you should be
And that's why i need you here
Everything i can't be
Is everything you should be
And that's why i need you here
So hear this now

Come home
Come home
Cause I've been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I've ever known
Ever known
So come home
Come home

2008-03-24T01:45:00.000-07:00

One, two, three, four
Tell me that you love me more
Sleepless long nights
That is what my youth was for

Old teenage hopes are alive at your door
Left you with nothing but they want some more

Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, You know who you are

Sweetheart bitterheart now I can't tell you apart
Cosy and cold, put the horse before the cart

Those teenage hopes who have tears in their eyes
Too scared to own up to one little lie

Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are

One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then
One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then

Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, who you are

For the teenage boys
They're breaking your heart

For the teenage boys
They're breaking your heart

great song.

2008-03-23T10:13:00.000-07:00

i can't get enough of crazy/beautiful. the one with kirsten dunst and jay hernandez. i like to watch these kind of fairytale-like yet real kinda stories. just wants to make you escape somewhere. it's like my 7th time watching it, but i still cry every single time i watch it, and i still love it. went to rent it and some other movies at videoezy just now. love all kirsten dunst shows, well maybe except bring it on.

crazy/beautiful

2008-03-22T12:51:00.000-07:00

i had my first driving lesson on friday. besides struggling to comprehend what my chinese-speaking instructor was saying, it was exhilarating. he said that i'm very good for a first-timer and even questioned if i have been driving illegally. wow i thought that i was gonna be a failure at manual. but throughout the whole lesson he called me "zha bo" which is woman in hokkien i think. cos he can't pronounce my english name for nuts. (i have a strange feeling that he's gonna call me that for all my future lessons)

anyway today was a pretty good day. i stayed home in the afternoon till evening to complete all my uni applications. but somehow it seems like i can never ever complete it. still have some holes here and there. and then it was timbre for my little class gathering. great beer, great food, great music. but i just wasn't in the right mood. last minute plan to go butterfactory to meet kyna and jen and jean and all. but i was thrilled to see kenny and narpal and all the other guys. had some good old fun at butter.... surprisingly i didnt get sloshed, i think my alcohol tolerance is miraculously improving. gee

darn, it's already sunday. that means i've got to go back to work tmr.. school kids...........................

2008-03-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

there are times when there is so much going through my head, where emotions are going wild within me that i feel so helpless. Helpless in many ways -- what i am going to do for myself now, how i'm going to handle the situation, and how i am going to prevent the energy and drive in me from dissipating. i'm helpless as there are times when i don't really know who to turn to for help. everyone around me are leading such satisfying lives that i do feel guilty if i were to pour out everything that's inside of me because i do not want to inject sorrow into their happy lives. nor do i want to waste their time listening to my hardcore whining.

i've been feeling this helplessness for a while now. and this has led me to feeling more alone than ever. it's also due to the fact that i've lost friendships, which has made me feel so lonely in everything that i do. in a nutshell, this feeling of helplessness is because i don't know how to help myself. and nor can anyway help me, but myself.

i have never been good in expressing myself, but tonight that's not really the reason. my thoughts aren't flowing smoothly at all. it feels like my mind is a battlefield where everyone's charging in all directions, and everything's flying all over the place. i can't seem to collate my thoughts. i don't know what to think, don't know what to say, don't know what to feel, don't know how to react, don't know what's going to happen next.

do you ever get this feeling? where emotions are running wild but yet your mind is still blank. that is why i always jump to conclusions and all sorts of ideas come into my head because my whole train of thoughts floods my mind and it's like a whole mad rush of thoughts in my head. i can't wait to grow up. where i can think more maturely, act more maturely and react to situations with a more maturely. where my vision of what life should be isn't this narrow as so much more is going on around me. i think i've hit rock bottom, the lowest i felt in a long while. but as they always say once you hit rock bottom you can't go any lower and things will only get better. but it does take a lot of energy to pull myself out from being embedded in this rock bottom zone.

again, im back to feeling so helpless. and because of this i am going to immune myself as it frustrates me to not know what to do. it makes me feel useless, stupid and powerless. so instead of feeling both frustration and sadness all at the same time, i don't want to feel anything at all. at times like these, i really wonder what makes me happy.

2008-03-18T00:40:00.000-07:00

Five whole minutes to wallow in the delicious misery. Feel it, embrace it, discard it.

2008-03-16T09:10:00.000-07:00

well a very quick update for now.

life has been bittersweet. pretty happy about my A level results. but indecisiveness kills, just dont know which course/uni to settle for. but im currently leaning towards NUS law - the spontaneity of the professors today during the open house is a pull factor for me, not forgetting the beautiful campus and cozy environment. but many push factors. and not forgetting the challenge of getting through the interview and written essay, hopefully my grades are satisfactory.

on fri was a first for me, went late night fishing near changi sailing club with jonathan melvin and his friends, kyna and jp, a very long walk from the boardwalk but it was definitely a good experience though we only managed to catch one pathetic crab and one lonely prawn. well the fishes were too smart for our dear live bait prawns.

on sat it was family day for me. parents and i went on the singapore flyer and on ducktours. i know i felt like such a tourist. the flyer was pretty damn boring. view was pathetic. should wait for the whole integrated resort to be fully built then it'll be pretty i guess. but to those who havent sat on it yet, stay away till singapore develops a little more.

ok i have to go back to work tmrrrrrr dreading it like hell but im gonna suck it in.

2008-02-19T10:53:00.000-08:00

thanks everyone for coming down for my birthday. it'll be a long long way more till i upload the piccas but thanks guyssssss.

so anyway yes im 19 already, and my mommy helped me with this gathering at my place with lots and lots and lots of food and lots and lots and lots of beeer. and i won 25 bucks at poker. my cards were damn good-- birthday luckkkkk thanks everyone for the presentsssssssss

charm if youre reading this i miss youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, why did you have to go to wretched aussie which took away 3 friends in 5 days. charm left a day before my bday, thomas left on sun and kevin left today but i didnt manage to say a proper goodbye ))))): was thinking of flying up in march but tickets are crazy but we'll see how

ok bye guys have a good weeeeeeeek

2008-02-06T05:04:00.000-08:00

wow it's been awfully long since i last updated this cobweb-infested blog of my monotonous but compulsory life (i know it doesn't make sense but it's compulsory for me to live, according to my mom) heehee

anyway, so fast we're already into february. my results are apparently coming out soon, im scared to tears, the pee-in-my-pants kinda scared. hahah. teaching's been tiring but at the end of the day, somehow it's kinda endearing to know some students really do appreciate you. but yet others are............ wait some are going to be just incorrigible when they grow up. they should just be put in a container and deported to iraq. (i'm not kidding)

so i'm so damn full from reunion dinner. been hanging a bit with carol these few weeks who's back from perth. checking out petite cafes. and basically picked up and driven around in her 3.0 litre alfa romeo. hehehehehhehee.

things have changed no doubt, but it's all for the bettttttter. emotional no doubt, but peaceful (: okay have a great angpao collecting week!

2008-01-13T04:52:00.000-08:00

it's been a long while....

shall do a very quick summary:

christmas flew by, on christmas eve some real last min shopping in town with andrew and xuan. there was the usual annual christmas party at my place, and then midnight mass. after that i just went home cos i was too damn tired and sleepy. on christmas day itself, went to my ahma's house for christmas lunch. cant really remember what i did actually. oh yea went to andrew's house at like 2 in the morning to watch love actually.. wahahaha emo christmas alert. wait this christmas was actually pretty emotional. anyway the christmas tree at his house is the only real one ive seen this season, and definitely it wins the most beautiful tree award, hands down.

well it's 2008 now. new year's eve was just going for thanksgiving mass, and then headed to dempsey for andrew's party. which was pretty fun. and expensive. total bill was crazy. the amount of champagne ordered was.. i think it was 12 bottles. cant remember. well the night/morning didnt end that well though, but it's alright..

so my life now just revolves around teaching bloodsucking kids. haha no actually it is a very good experience, and rewarding when some non-venom students appreciate you. oh and procrastination kills, i still havent signed up for driving.

note to self: quit getting angry so damn often, learn to start controlling my temper and not losing it every time, oh and appreciate things and people for what they are now.

2007-12-27T09:09:00.000-08:00

so looks like we didnt go vivo today as i thought the plan was. boring ol' town again. stefanie lau came late today because her train got stopped because someone fell into the hole. michh is back from kawaiijapan. hmm im feeling so broke.

need $$$$$, who can give?

(oh yes,,, i would rather kill myself too. )

2007-12-26T22:14:00.000-08:00

hey guys, sorry for previous emocore post, hahahah well i was just having a bad day so ignore the trash.

anywayyyyyy, things have been pretty sweet these days and christmas wasn't all that bad. well let me do a proper recap since i came back from hong kong -- which was one of my best holidays. wait, actually i vaguely remember what ive been doing since HK. well cos the day starts when i only wake up at about 2pm and half the day is gone. hmm there was selwyn's birthday dinner at E-sarn which was damn good, many bumming outings.. dinner with xuan at garuda which serves good indo food. err an arena night with steffi dawn jen jean zoe. oh johnpaul's birthday celebration at grapevine. oh well i cant remember the rest.

well christmas just went past so fast you couldnt finish the word 'mistletoe'. christmas eve party at my place in the evening where there was a neverending supply of food. last min shopping on the 24th in town where shops started closing at 5pm and i started panicking. midnight mass which was well, holy. haha. on the 25th i had lunch at my granny's and then to my grandaunt's and granduncle's. and then went off to charles's apartment to meet the guys.

on boxing day i was supposed to follow my mom to sch to collect timetables for steffi and i, but i couldnt wake up and so i ended up meeting her straight in town to do some tangs shopping and then she went off to change my dad's shirt and i went to meet steffi and charm yesss charm's back and she bought me krispy kremes and a bag, awww so sweeeeeet. settled at spins then andrew (wee thiap) came, the other andrew and his friends came, blahblahhhh.. jill came for a while in a nice dress.. and then off to dinner, and then we went to dan ryan's for AWESOME carrot cake and sinful molten choc cake which saved andrew from being fined for not putting coupon cos uncle sam was there at the birdshit carpark.. and then after that we headed to dempsey but too bad the bar at house, barracks was closed. and then we all went home, i watched jaws on hbo/starmovies (cant remember) and crashed and i just woke up.

today we're all going vivo! but michh has to go off early. ok gotta get ready byebyebye.

2007-12-18T08:02:00.000-08:00

have you ever been so emotionally drained that you just feel so tired and you just sleep in the whole damn day, your eyes strained, your mind has been overworked that you get this aggressive headache and lastly, it could be hallucination - but the left side of your chest actually aches a little.

well try experiencing that and let's see if jingle bells or rudolph is in the air. and gee, 4 days to christmas. how damn exciting.

and the best part is, not just one bad thing happens in a day, but two. two issues so close to your heart that.........

merry christmas everybody. (go listen to metric)

2007-12-16T13:27:00.000-08:00

it's 5.27 am and i just finished watching all 10 episodes of gossip girl.
looks like from now on i gotta depend on fanpop.com for my dosages of GG

(insert laughter)

2007-12-15T08:25:00.000-08:00

suddenly everything just seems so bleak even though the whole christmas spirit is in the air and all that whole bullshit. well as what mich calls me scrooge mcduck. christmas will suck, new years will suck. michh is leaving for japan tmr and charm's leaving for aussie on mon. i have zero plans for christmas and new years and i dont even think i should head out and party.

charm's leaving for melb to study on the 15th of february, one day before my birthday. so i foresee my 19th birthday will be terrible too, ha crying my eyes out a day before my birthday.

really and today in the afternoon i caught the holiday on HBO, and after it was family stone (thank god there was no love actually i would have just killed myself) and when i got home today i distinctively remember telling myself i'll laugh if the holiday is on HBO again, and yes you got it right -- it was on again.

sorry guys i dont intend to kill your christmas spirits.. i just don't feel anything.

have a good one everyone

2007-12-07T08:16:00.000-08:00

i have never been this happy to leave this place.

thank god for HK

im sorry to those who care but dont know what the hell's happening to me,
guess what, neither do i.

well i guess some things need to be changed.

2007-11-26T21:20:00.000-08:00

i think i'm drooling on my lappie, i think i'm in LOVE <3>

hehe

(andrew can you pls burn for me episodes 1-8 please)

ok im off to meet michh fifi and tendertails, bye!

2007-11-24T20:30:00.000-08:00

strike #2

so on fri i went to collect my prom dress like finally it's done and im pretty happy about it. well at least it didnt feel like the money spent was sponged.

on sat i bummed at home before going for novena with my sister and jason and they were gonna drop me in town because andrew told me like to go town after church. but then halfway he told me he's at bukit timah having dinner first then dempsey after. so pms-ey me got a lil cheesed off and then when i got out of the car at newton mrt to catch a cab, i walked out in a huff and next thing i knew-- trip wham bam slam, feet went rightwards 90 degrees, ankle twisted. and it was shit painful for a while then it was perfectly okay. so happily went to house at dempsey, awesome place by the way, with kevin, johnpaul thomas andrew and all then charmzart and eugene came down. it was real nice, under the non-existant stars facing the not so dense forest/jungle. though the seats werent that comfy, a whole bottle to finish but oh well rehab-ed me didnt drink. well the most memorable part of the night was when we got lost while walking out, and the guys wanted to check out the "haunted houses" which were pretty damn spooky, and we girls got mosquito bitten but we got lost in the end, so we walked all the way back and called a cab. :x

then when i got home, my ankle was swollen, it was ass painful and i was saddddd because i thought i wouldnt be able to get out for quite some time. but tadahhhhhh, my feet are alive and kicking now and i can walk normally, maybe run 2.4 (no im kidding) and play pepsi cola 123. tee hee. but i stayed home the whole of sunday and just plain bummed around. what a bummer

today (monday) kyna yanlong and i went for lunch at sun and moon at wheelock cos it was yanlong's birthday lunchh and then met jill and lydia after their brazilian to walk walk talk talk sing sing song. shop here shop there which made me a very sad girl because if you do realise, all the prices have been jacked up and everything i picked out which i thought were nice, adorned steep price tags with a huge sign sticking on them "we're out to cheat your money!!". well all my money's blown and looks like i have to lead a peasant lifestyle for the next few days (maybe weeks, who knows months) i hate impulse buying, thanks miss-i-love-chicken-wings for your influence

headed to the twins birthday dinner at cuscaden after meeting andrew & co. for a bit where we ravished oily battered 329853952 calories chicken wings and mee goreng. but today the mee goreng was a disappoint, another sad face. and i went home early todayyyy

ok ive realised all my entries are descriptions of my daily activities, well too bad, read what i wrote under the "chivalry is dead" part on the left hand side of this page. face it: you're just as bored as me! haha. i applaud you for your non-goldfish attention span if you managed to read this far. my psychic foresight tells me you'll go far in life. ha ha ha ha

goooodnight guys, it's 2.32 am

2007-11-22T15:56:00.000-08:00

sickgal89@hotmail.com

steffi's party at arena was one of the awesomest ever. there was so much alcohol it wasn't funny imagine 4 bottles and like girls free flow lychee martinis all night. until at about 12 plus they ran out of lychees. haha and somehow the martinis were coming out pure. and so as usual me who cannot drink for shit got fucking high, and i concussed on the sofa. for damn longgggg. oh dear. it was so embarassing. knocked out cold according to xuan. but he was taking care of me the entire time. thank god for him. well everyone got drunk except michelle la. thanks babe..

hurhur and then steffi the drunk bitch and i went back to her place and then for the entire night/morning i had diarrhoea, and next thing i know i was having a fever of 39.5 degrees. almost died felt like shit and she was being such a sweetheart and was taking care of me the whole time.. awwwwwwww.... her mom made me drink some herbal stuff, took medicine.. but didnt go doctor. and im fine nowwwwwwwwwwwwwww. well i was sleeping the whole entire day so im fully energized now.

okay today's a friday! life is great now that exams are over! gonna go for a facial first and then ive got my prom dress fitting and gonna do some shopping. life is sweet (:

2007-11-19T18:46:00.000-08:00

i've been getting nightmares. about the same few people, and the same few things. i can't believe my last paper is tomorrow, im not even the least bit prepared. i hate long breaks in betweens. and can you believe that im always thinking what my results are gonna be, and then i start to get anxious, paranoid, upset, sad, worried.. when like results are only gonna be in like what, 4 months. im really expecting the worst. you guys cannot imagine how bad i screwed up my papers.

and throughout my whole JC life, i have made so many wrong decisions and i get even more agitated when i start to regret. i regret a hell lot of things. and i bet you when i get back my results i will regret a heck lot more.

but really, what's the point in thinking about all these. it's not to my benefit nor will it improve the situation in anyway. but i can't help it. i really cant.

oh yea now that exams are gonna be over i will have all the time in the world and normally that means i get all emotional (esp since it's gonna be christmas) because my mind can wander through everything and anything so beware. he he. and then all my blog posts will become so damn greyyyyyyy and downcasttttttt and melancholic i bet it can be those kinda websites for the suicidal. the only thing i have to add is the different methods how to go about doing it. ok im joking.

anw, happy birthday steffi. you've been great dear. we're gonna get so sick of each other like soon because i bet i'll be meeting you every other day during december and not only that we're gonna be working together for like 3 months next year. but really, thank god for you. im so glad that you're here. have a great birthday and i'll see you tomorrow at your pardee pardee.

oh yea and michhhh. please stay away from mosquitos okay. find out how your brother got his dengue and stay away from the places. take care of yourself dear . well i cant wait to see you tomorrow too.

2007-11-19T01:58:00.000-08:00

and so.. the A levels are like gonna be over. one last paper on wed and then im done. but since thurs till now i've not done a single shit. haha and im so screwed for wed but i dont really care.. but it's been great really, thurs i did my hair extensions again. and went to help zoe do her prom makeup. dinner with dawn and jen. mmm what else. oh coca steamboat dinner fully paid hee hee err another free dinner at tanglin club, wow life really gets better by the day. hee hee. yesterday i tasted corn beef for the first time and had the best cornbeef dinner at andrew's house with his family. waffles at siglap with his sisters.. watching gossip girls oh dear i think im hooked.. that's about it i guess.

but it's been great. here's to a good 8 months of not studying. and i can't wait for steffi's birthday celebration on wed (she's sitting opposite me now sewing some cross stitch) and im gonna stay over her house and have slumber pardee pardee. and plans to go malaysia/bintan with andrew and friends who can make it.. (andrew you better make sure the plan materialises) hopefully someone can drive us up.

okay time to study! BYE GUYSSSSSSSS

2007-11-08T22:01:00.000-08:00

steffi stayed over last night again. it wasn't a study camp this time round. it was a joming camp la please. hahha. well both of us 2 packs in 2 days. insane isn't it. we have lost all the drive to study really. as michh says, right now you're not even thinking of getting your As. all you think about is to just get it over and done with.

all the papers so far were terrible. i came home to cry the whole day after GP. everyone thought math paper 2 was easy but i so didnt think so. physical geog was just shut up don't talk about it. and ive still got a hell load of papers left. lit, human geog, and econs.

by the rate that im studying, i wont even be sniffing ANY As at all really. i have to pull through this. i dont even wanna think about the results. god help me.

2007-10-23T04:59:00.000-07:00

i'm so damn fucking unproductive i think i should get an award for it at the fuck-up-your-exams ceremony.

anyway for the past few days ive been getting this URGE to just snip off my fringe and do something drastic with it. (thinks bangs but hell NO it'll make my already round face look rounder) but really the urge is killing. thank god there's no available scissors except the kitchen one. well on second thought... X:

anyway let me tell you something so damn emBRASSING that happened today. let's just say it was unprecedented and totally just lame.
i was sitting at the dining area trying to stuff up some work, when the radio was on to 987fm and then the deejay god knows who said call in for blahblah.. so having the number at my fingertips 66911987, i just wanted to TRY MY DAMN LUCK. well who knows. and guess what it was for some HOOK UP thing where you leave your number. i didnt know what the hell was going on and i bet i sounded pretty damn dumb. hahahahha.

but that's not it. i decided to tune in to power 98 and the guy was like call us in for song request blahblahblah.. so i happily decided to try my luck AGAIN thinking what are the chances right. AND GUESS WHAT i got through and was talking to this totally rad dude whom i have no idea who he is. and he was like I WANNA PUT YOU ON AIR and i was like OH SHIT. HAHAH. and i went on air and he asked me what school i was in (he knew my name was bernie i should have said something like LOLA hahaha) and i thought to myself better not reveal my school to save me the embarrassment. so i said VICTORIA JUNIOR COLLEGE hahaha.

and then i called kyna immediately and she was laughing at my whole embarrassing comedy of an act and she said if she was listening in, im the kind of caller that she would just switch to another station. hahaha.

okay just some entertainment. BYE if youre reading this dont you dare tell anyone. sigh

2007-10-20T23:57:00.000-07:00

i slept at 3 last night, woke up and dragged my ass to church at 9 friggin am. and then i had tuition from 1030 to 1 before going gardens to meet andrew for a bit, and it was one of the best conversations we had. well it made me think alot about the past and all the shit that happened which made me "ohhh i wanna kill myself my life has crumbled i feel numb life has no more meaning.. " NO LA im just kidding it wasnt that bad.

you see things will always get messy and complicated when these kinda things happen. but sometimes you gotta make the right decision on what to do next. everyone faces the same fears and anxieties but hard facts have to brought down, real hard. and the same scenario always begins:

when a girl tells you she likes you, it takes hell alot of courage. because it has so many dreadful (or not) consequences. in her mind she's thinking.. oh no if i tell him and if he doesn't like me back he's gonna start avoiding me and i don't want to lose him as a friend. and hence some people choose lovers over friends, or friends over lovers. it depends on the individual. and at the same time, the guy will be pretty damn unsure what to do next. if he avoids her, he's being childish. but yet if he chooses the alternative and still remains close to her, he's leading her on. so you see moral of the story is, things like this will always happen whether you want them to or not. and first impressions are always what determines the direction of a relationship. i was a victim myself and it was like crap.

maybe that's why people start off being lovers so as to avoid this whole mess but what they do not realise is that there's a 50-50 chance on whether it's gonna last. and people always say oh you know the relationships that last are the ones that start off as friends because they truly understand and know the goodness and flaws of the other.. but this doesn't always apply in reality, does it. because i know some real solid rock couples who started out as lovers and are still going strong (and some not)

it's the worse thing to be involved in such an entanglement, however im not advocating singlehood for everyone out there (i mean duhh i wanna get married and have kids, but i dont want my daughter to be called sue-ann anymore hahahah) i still strongly believe that you can never choose who you want to love, and who you don't want to. everything is so damn dynamic that you never know when friends turn into lovers and when lovers turn into friends. but as long as you have a good idea of what you want and the courage to accept things that don't go your way.. who needs love. NO IM JUST KIDDING HAHAHHA.

well as for me.. im always vulnerable to the winds of change. feelings come and go but i gotta learn to brush it away and say hey, this will not be good for me. it will be hard definitely, in fact it'll be a damn STRUGGLE but it'll be all for the best. COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS

okay enough of ranting. i just wanted to blog about how i had a good day. bye!

2007-10-19T04:04:00.000-07:00

all i can think about after my As is going on a grey's marathon like for 3 consecutive days just lie on my bed in fronta my tv and hibernate. eat, sleep and breathe grey's. wow can't wait. well besides driving of course. that's something im really excited about. but fuck that. i gotta get through hell first.

it's a friday night and im not going out. im not even going out to study. in school i semi-hyperventilated in front of miss soh during consultation. gee talk about freakazoid

anyway im going off to shag my books byebye.

oh before i forget, i dont get it how people prefer mcsteamy to mcdreamy. i mean like come onnnnn.... you've got to be kiddding. i choose mcdreamy. i CHOPE. wow the sweetest part was when he told meredith "do you think i want to be looking at you?" lol call me weird i just melted right there and then.

2007-10-16T21:07:00.001-07:00

For Halloween,
Oyster boy decided to go as a human.

i love tim burton. his short stories, and the movies sleepy hollow, my all time favourite edward scissorhands. brings back so many memories. and i watched the last episode of grey's season 2 just now againnnnn. and again i just sat in front of the tv crying my eyes out. patrick dempsey is just to die for.

2007-10-16T20:58:00.000-07:00

Im starting a landslide in my ego.
Look from the outside to the world I left behind.
I'm dreaming, you're awake.
If I were sleeping,
Once Id say
A day without me.

2007-10-15T20:42:00.000-07:00

it suddenly struck me that i'll be leaving RJ forever. and honestly im not sad, not a single bit. sure it was a good school but yet there's something missing. maybe it's cos a time span of 2 years just ain't enough. i have zero CCA involvement and participation in school activities, well except for events which i participate only to earn the CIP hours. i've made new friends in school, kept some, lost some which is sad really. initially i was kinda distraught, but afterall you just try not to care. the girls in my class are great, really nice people and extremely diverse. but the kaleidescope of people in my class resulted in us being notorious, "attention span of 15 mins" hahaha. and im pretty much guilty too.

well i wasn't a "pure bred rafflesian" (what an elitist statement) and maybe that's why i don't feel the immense sorrow that most people are feeling. being in a raffles school ain't a big thing really. and in comparison, i prefer IJ a whole lot more. a gazillion times more. i didnt even bother going for the farewell assembly when i found out from mich it wasnt compulsory.

oh well.. but i'm glad i came to this school. a whole new different environment where you're on your own, and noone can help you if you dont even help yourself.

im fucking scared for A levels. and presently im not even thinking about the enjoyment after As. i wish i was a closet mugger. the lack of confidence is really killing me. and even though i stay home to study everyday, it's so damn unproductive. i've never felt this unprepared for a major exam.

which reminds me i have to study now gooodbye.

2007-09-21T12:19:00.000-07:00

mud dirty
cheap

cunt

2007-09-19T21:26:00.000-07:00

the prelims are finally over. i've been waiting for this day since eons ago but now that it's here i dont even know why i dont feel all THAT happy. the papers were painful i dont think i'll do well for any of them. the feeling's just so surreal, it'll take a while to sink in, and by the time that comes i'll have to start studying for As.

so celebration night wasnt that wonderful. went to meet mari at guthrie first, before heading to hacienda at dempsey for pizza and wine. and then andrew eugene and johnpaul came down for a bit. went to zouk, met michh, which was packed and sadly it wasnt that fun. everyone was lost half the time. packed with all the army boys. eugene got bounced at velvet because he wasnt appropriately attired, imagine spongebob tshirt and boxer looking berms. hahahahahhhhaha. it was hilarious. oh well doesnt really matter since he's got a sweetass car. i was tired and my mom went mental, so i went home early.

ok byebye

2007-09-17T02:30:00.000-07:00

i am so damn mother happy that physical geog is overrr. yesterday was a terrible day, i was crying and cryingggg like a baby wallowing in self pity and thinking that im gonna fuck up today's paper damn badly. well now that it's over and done with i can really smelll the end of prelims. not that it's anything to rejoice about because it only marks the onset the As. and i really really have to buck up on my geog no kidding. thinking about how bad my geog is only makes me depressed. well im gonna have fun after prelims first heeeee.

on wed mari and i are gonna have dinner at dempsey first and then who else is up for mambo? on thursday im just gonna relax, and then friday at night either home club or some other rnb place cos it's been ages since i clubbed at any rnb place, but well we'll see where the winds take me. and i really need to meet up with andrew and just spend the day with him although he's furiously working as a sweatshop worker now at kpmg. hahah. goodness i can't wait.

buttttttttt a part of me feels guilty if i party too much since i didnt study that hard for prelims. damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn ok see you guys on wedddddd!!

2007-09-15T07:16:00.001-07:00

(gillian if you're reading this i stole it from your bloggie because me love grey's too )

at the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. so this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. so we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. no matter how much they hurt you. the people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping.

i will always stick close by, no matter what because i have chosen to remain close to you, and no matter how much hurt i'll get in this denial, i will be with you at the end of the day. because i have made my choice.

2007-09-12T09:38:00.000-07:00

the glass is not half empty, nor half full.

it's bottomless. because we are always wanting more

2007-09-07T23:40:00.000-07:00

wow it's been ages since i last came here, i even forgot i had an online journal can you believe that. he he.

anyway this aint supposed to be a happy post but rather to invite my dear readers to join me to mourn the beginning of my prelims aka as my death journey. as the days go by, it inevitably brings my closer to my death, to doom, to hell. every night i go to bed feeling exhausted and it takes me a while to fall asleep after countless tossings and turnings, trying to consolidate all that ive studied in the day, and when i suddenly dont remember stuff i wake up go flip up my notes and check to refresh my memory before getting into bed again. this kind of psychotic behaviour aint my cuppa tea.

i think i started too late, and i shouldnt have played through my whole J1 year. yes.. all the should haves and could haves. oh well too late now.

my prelim schedule

mon: econs essay
tues: lit paper 1
wed: math p1 and geog p2
fri: lit paper 2

mon: geog p1
tues: econs p1
wed: math p2

and thennnnnnnnn..... im gonna play like hell all the way till sunday before i start the journey for the most dreaded As. so wed is mambo, fri is homeclub/dxo do a lil shopping, mani/pedi, maybe redo my hair extensions cos they're all falling out. and file all my notes and chart out a new A level study timetable. cant wait to get prelims over and done with, i dont even know why im so stressed since it doesnt count for shit. hurhur hopefully it doesnt go too bad. im gonna be so stressed every day the next week i'll cry every day MOST DEFINITELY. he he

okay byeeeeeeeeeeee

2007-08-13T02:28:00.000-07:00

hurhur im at home now trying to get a bit of work done but to no avail. felt so weird to be in school today maybe cos i havent been to school in 6 days and it was awesome. you can cut the tension and stress in the atmosphere with a knife i swear. everyone walks past me and i bet you all in their minds right now is to just STUDY. all you friggin rafflesian muggers. i still cant seem to concentrate and i have no mood to study today. this is terrible i am too damn distracted.

i pray i pray that i will suddenly be struck by some panic attack then i'll study my ass off. right now i think im just taking things a little too lightly for comfort. damn and then i was talking to pearl my classmate today about things and she told me some really sensible stuff and i gotta try to heed her advice. she's my role model by the way, her work effiency and determination is just amaxing. she is like 110% focussed. i told her that she represents dynamic efficiency but for me it's static efficiency only. she said sthing along the lines of ........ other things will always be there, but A levels is just one shot..... you dont want to regret anything................... and something so seemingly unimportant should not jeopardise my chances of doing well. because it's going to be something that i will regret for the rest of my life. (i added some stuff by myself hee hee)

well all im surviving on now are ciggs and some musikkkkkkk for the soul. the strokes, sublime, postal service. yayyy i get new musikkkkk. and then i discovered this awesome song called "it's you that matters" by a malaysian band called reshmonu. and no they dont sound malaysian at all. hahaha.

ok globalisation and TNCs are calling.

2007-08-10T10:24:00.000-07:00

home was baddddddddddddddd

ughh i just got back. and it's only friggin 120am. and it was super empty today as if it was disease infected. doesnt help that the only reason why i went (or one of the more important one) is that it was gonna be charles last night at home before he returns to boston, but i left like 10 mins after he came. doesnt help that the music sucked so bad it was like trance or sthing. doesnt help that you see someone you dont wanna see and before that you were talking happily with the depressionista who called him down and she tells you that she didnt call him down but yet she tells someone she called him down (i hope you go loco on prozac) and lastly, i really dont know why i endure the shit that i go through.

i feel terrible cos i was quarrelling and fighting with my mom so bad before i went out cos she refused to let me but the feeling of fighting so hard for sthing which turns out megatron suckyyyyyy is just ............. why did i even fight. well maybe it's like your expections are up i mean cos the previous friday was so good but today was just amazingly disgusting.

the only good thing that happened was eugene is going to be my ahmad, and from now on has to drive and fetch me around and be at my back and call. it's not a choice. hahahahahhaa kiddddddddding.

ok can you believe im going to continue with math now. epiphany alert or rather panic anxiety attacks maybe i should get some prozac from the bitch too. lol this one totally kidding

2007-08-10T02:39:00.000-07:00

somehow i thought i had quite a lot to blog about but i cant seem to remember any of it anymore. queer.

anyway it's been quite some time since i have verbal vomitted. well days have been mundane the only fun i had was last friday at home club but other than that... been trying to study here and there but it has just been so damn unproductive it's frustrating. geography kills.

well ive been trying to study today (friday) away but it's moving too slowly. looking forward to home later again. hopefully it'll be goooodddd

2007-08-02T06:26:00.000-07:00

for once i feel good that ive been studying. heee heeeeeeeeee
past couple of days in the library with kennnny and other buggers like stuart yimingg kahweiiii.

tomorrow's friday! gonna do abit of work before i go out. prelims are coming it's scary. As are dreadful.

5 weeks to prelims

2007-07-30T02:37:00.000-07:00

what's the point in every single thing that we do.

at the end of the day, we just have to ask ourselves: what's the point? what is this all for? are you just working towards a dead end? if deep inside you know that it's all gonna end up fruitless, then what's the point? what is the damnnnnnn point.

but yet it is so hard to just release and retract.

2007-07-29T21:40:00.000-07:00

i have to start studying, like pronto. damn i didnt do any work the whole weekend which included fri, sat and sun.

fri i had othello play in school after went with michh to gardens to eat and chill a bit before i returned home.

sat i went to usher for othello in sch from 5 to 10pm. and then i was too tired so i went straight home.

sun it was a catchup session with gi and sama.

it was good and i had a nice time. prata and then back to my place for attempted studying (which failed miserably but sama the best managed to do 3 questions haha) and then back to gardens for dinner. and then i was walking home then i realised i forgot to buy sthing so i walked back out and then low and behold i met narpal singh. hahahha. so then stayed to talk to him, then mengkiat came. it is scary when the both of them are already studying but im not. /: talk talk talk talk then went home to watch gladiatorrrrrrr.

the whole time i was waiting for andrew to call and he only called at 1230am. lol they took the last flight back which only landed at 1130. so yea life's back to normal and im freaking outttttttttt. ):

2007-07-25T22:15:00.000-07:00

i want to lead the high life too.

this is so depressing. i have to kiss goodbye to fun. all the way till november 21st. im not ready yet. and im scared outta my wits. really. i have been having nightmares lately. it's terrifying.

ive got 2 days mc so im not in school today. that means i have to catch up on what happened today tomorrow. im not ready, im not ready for all this.

im not ready, im not ready at all.

i planned my study timetable and it's so damn packed cos there's not enough time left to prelims. i have nightmares that i'll screw up my A levels. you know what if i did, i would really kill myself. (just a thought there no worries) i know that i'll cry everyday when the time comes cos i'll feel so inadequate.

all i have to do now, is to just study. andrew's going bangkok from fri to sun, hooray to less distractions. i wish i could disengage myself from him to study (like what happened in sec 4). i wish i got sick of him.

2007-07-23T08:28:00.001-07:00

bangkok was soooo damnnnnn gooooooddddd. but i spent too much in a period of 4 days but i swear prices have inflated to a very large extent. i extended my hair and at first i was hating it but now im loving it and the sad part is it's dropping. the reviews from everyone weren't that bad as i expected it to be. and i love having long hair, it's so fun i can play with it. ahhaha.

procrastination is going to bring me to my downfall. i charted out my study timetable but by the rate im going, i should have used the paper to wipe my ass or sthing. i still dont feel the urgency and pressure yet. yes i know im falling closer to my death.

ok tmr im going to do my math tutorials S4 and S5. i will i will. and study for the econs test on friday. damn there's an open book urban geog test tmr i just rememberedddddd. oh dearrrrrrrrrr. I HATE THISSSSSSSSSSSSS.

48 days to prelims !

anw, i havent started studying ever since i came back from bangkok which i swore i would do, damn. on friday i met up with jean for dinner at cuscaden and jen came with ash. and then i left for home club where i finally met kynakayabread. hee hee. andrew and company were there too. it was alright.. mm let's see i think i spoke to andrew for less than 2 mins the entire night hahaha when my main aim was to see him since i came back from bangkok. but it was okay kyna and i were camwhoring, eugene was high and cute, random candid shots of charles and one very very closeup picture of andrew where i can see his nose hair (egoboi87 took his very handsome photo). i think home club is getting to me. i have to stop going there.

ok im off to finish my harry potter! byebye

2007-07-12T08:38:00.000-07:00

i went to queue up for munchy donuts at tanjong katong road hee hee and i took a bus there can you believe it, despite peak hour and everything. (cos im so damn broke) and i ordered 18 friggin donuts now tell me which ass orders 18 and i had to wait for every single flavour to come out slowly it was killing me, but i was patient. HELL patient. i don't get it how singaporeans can be so darn rude, impatient and most importantly, how they lack social etiquette. i hate it how customers can be so rude to the service people i mean come on, who the hell do you think you are, even if you're like dolce or gabbana. well maybe i feel so much for them cos i was working at awfully chocolate and not only do you meet customers who cannot even pronounce the word "chocolate" properly, you get the real RUDE, OVERBEARING and OBNOXIOUS customers. well the chocolate cakes we sell would serve its best purpose then - smash it in their faces. (so what if you're carrying a hermes bag)

and then from tanjong katong road i walked all the way in to andrew's house dont remind me about it i was dying. and the meetup with him was terrible. ughhhh. he was being an ass and i got moody, pissed and upset. goodness it was horrible. really if the donuts werent that precious i would have just shoved it up his ass i swear. and today he got pissed, and i got pissed and .................................. shoot me.

im leaving on a jetplane tmrrrrrrr. goodbye singapore hello bangkok. cant wait cant wait. you know it's like a retreat to a secret hideaway. OK GUYS TAKE CARE HAVE FUN. i'll be back on monday at about 3 pm so call me okkkkkk. and i will be bringing my phone to bangkok so you guys can still msg me dont worry heheheh.

to err is human ;
to forgive is divine

2007-07-09T22:39:00.001-07:00

prime, one of the best movies ever. i especially love the ending. not the typical fairytale ending which always is so damn ridiculous, it was so real, sad and heartwarmingfuzzy at the same time.

im gonna leave for bangkok on fri at 1225pm and will be back on monday 240pm. i can't wait to get out.

i wish you love

2007-07-08T09:18:00.000-07:00

could things be any worse? argh fuck.

and cheers to a whole damn week of school.

(and now when i need you the most, youre gone. i give you so much, but you dont do the same for me. is that just too much to ask for?)

2007-07-07T08:47:00.000-07:00

friday was terrible, today was horrible, this weekend is the worst.

it's like im having a nightmare and i want to wake up from it and i keep pinching myself to wake up from this stupor and then i realise that it's not a dream and it's in fact reality, and i can't do anything about it except to suck it in and swallow. i honestly think that the worst feeling in the world other than rejection is to REGRET. it is so goddamn frustrating you cant change anything, and it's no point crying over spilt milk and all that you do on a bad hungover day is to just smoke your brains out. not like it even helps the situation in any way, but at least the 7 mins of nicotine filling your insides just becomes your runaway.

i am so sorry to the person who will be the most hurt in yesterday's night of intoxication. i doubt youre reading this but i am really so sorry it was never my intention to get involved in any way, and i did not do it to spite you or anything. i really had no damn idea what i was doing and all i can do now is to say sorry, and im sorry for not having the courage to say it straight in your face that im terribly sorry.

so now, im so looking forward to bangkok to get myself away from all this for a while, and i want to forget and change. so when i come back it's a whole new start and beginning where i solemnly swear never to do stupid things ever again. it's times like these when i really find myself so repulsive ughhh it's so frustrating. worst weekend ever. so fucking stupid.

and you, youre acting all weird and mean. you dont even talk to me properly now. i said i was sorry but you said you dont care it has nothing to do with you, so then why are you acting up. just when i need you the most now, you turn me away and you dont give a fuck about me. yes i know it was my fault, but i really needed to talk to you i want to explain things to you but yet im hesitant because why do i have to answer to you. why do i even feel like im letting you down.
you said that im weak, yes im telling you that i am and im sorry im not as strong as you. i dont know how to stand up for myself and im useless. am i that insignificant in your life that youre only nice when you need me and when you want something from me, (not in the physical sense). ive been moping around the whole damn day but did you call when you told me like 3 times that you would. im always subjected to your moods and i hate it. and to add on, i can never say all this to you because i dont want to lose you. but i know that i slowly am.

everything feels like it's falling apart. i have no idea what to do. this fucking sucks.

2007-07-03T08:31:00.000-07:00

it's a new record - 5 days. and maybe bangkok too.
but i really dont know if it's wise to head this way. my friendster horoscope is screaming against. ok this is my favourite song for now..

I don't wanna be adored
Don't wanna be first in line
Or make myself heard
I'd like to bring a little light
To shine a light on your life
To make you feel loved

No, don't wanna be the only one you know
I wanna be the place you call home
I lay myself down
To make it so, but you don't want to know
I give much more
Than I'd ever ask for

Just shine, shine, shine
Shine a little light
Shine a light on my life
Warm me up again

Fool, I wonder if you know yourself at all
You know that it could be so simple
I lay myself down
To make it so, but you don't want to know
You take much more
Than I'd ever ask for

Say a word or two to brighten my day
Do you think that you could see your way
To lay yourself down
And make it so, but you don't want to know
You take much more
Than I'd ever ask for

i just got back and im so freaking tired it's not funny. after sch went to mari's house to crash on her sofa for like 2.5 hours which was amazing. ordered pizzza which was awesome. went home, got changed. was supposed to head to american club for tiger tuesdayyyy but there was a change of plans. went to pick drew up from his house and we went to singapore swimming club for dinner because he felt broke (haha) and i was just there like on sunday but the food today was better thank god. service was terrible as usual but who's complaining since everything is just sign on his card. hee hee. and then we headed to gardens for coffee and xuan came to join us but i had to leave before charles came so i missed out hearing his juicy story. i bet the guys are still there and im waiting for anderlooo to ring me and tell me details. i find it amazing how im getting excited.

i hate school. im still in a holiday mood and i cant concentrate in schooool. like today i didnt bring ANYTHING to school. hahaha. and they're going for mambo tmr i wanna go toooo but i cant cos of stupid school. but whatever im so looking forward to bangkok-- 4 days of pure enjoyment. but after that i had better seriously sit down and study if not im fried. haha i feel scared because it's already july and im still having fun. oh dear oh dearrrrrrr.

ok my eyes are closing. goooonai

2007-07-02T07:57:00.000-07:00

i have always thought that in BGRs, men are always the ones who screws up and throws everything beautiful away considering their wild raging testosterones and women-hungry nature. but boy am i wrong. i concede defeat and really, it's amazing how girls can be fucked up as well haha. hence today was a queer day where queer facts were certainly most queerly unravalled and well hiden agendas to deceit have gained popularity in the minds of the not-so-innocent. you see, the bottom line is that appearances are most definitely deceiving and the moral of the story is if you want to lie, at least do it with skill and technique. girls cause so much trouble dont they. the information we have at hand do not connect at all and we can never detonate the bombs of hidden intentions. (as i said we all have little secrets)

it's confirmed im going to bangkok with mari on the 13th of july to 16th. im pretty excited but i just quarrelled with my mom over something so stupid which im not even to blame, and she is now saying that she doesnt allow me to go and all that crap but i dont care im going. she always thinks the worst of me. always. but i cant blame her for it can i?

today saw me waking up late and eating curry for lunch. i thought i'd stay home today and get baking gear at phoon huat but all plans were changed. drew demanded that i rush down to siglap to give good advice and laugh at uncanny stories of BGRs (hence the whole para above) for almost the whole afternoon. i could have rejected the offer but i couldnt possibly because there was a bold and a beatiful scenario involved which cracked me up so bad that if i were an egg it would have been suicide. you see even when i least expect and even want to meet him, i still do and that's bad because it's starting to be mundane. same shit every single day. but it's funny because i feel weird if i dont, but yet when i do it's just alright, not fantastic and i prefer meetups to be like wow damn fun kinda thing. im not talking sense anymore because i need to pee. but what im trying to say is we've reached that level of comfort which im not comfortable with. (tacky)

bye!

2007-06-28T10:18:00.000-07:00

and that's why they say after exams are always the best (: well for now at least i have to stop all these soon if not im gonna be a big failure for GCE A Levels 2007. oh dear..

well a recap on the past few days..

thursday: after lit (which i screwed up as well) i went home to take a short nap. and then mari and i went to do our manicures and then we went to browhaus to thread our eyebrows and upper lip (ouch) and shopped a little, i bought a rather boho (that's what my sis calls it) dress from my all time favourite forever21 hehe. it was like an appetiser for my after-exams-shopping which i needed really badly cts were killing me softly. and we had dinner at sun with moon. it was alright but didnt try the deserts though which were bloody enticing.

on friday: andrew comes back from bintan after 3 days of hardcore drinking and golf-buggy-suicide-crashing. i went to vivocity to start my shopping escapade. he he. it was a-m-a-z-i-n-g. im so happy with my buys but i kinda regret getting a 63 dollar top which isnt so nice afterall. /: mari came for a while and then i went to town to meet jennnn and it was andrew's birthday so we went to club home cos he was there with the whole gang. and it was the best night at club home ever. though i was pretty speechless about a few glitches but oh wells, i'll get used to it, i mean dont i always. as you guys know i cant take alcohol well, i was surprisingly fine that night besides getting very high i wasnt drunk or anything of that sort, especially since i mixed beer with a shitload of hard liquor cos they bought bottles. yes i know worst idea ever.

sat: i had lunch with my family and then i went town to meet mich and andrew i just remembered i was supposed to go shopping with mich -- im so sorry babe!! but instead we just sat around, took a calorie burning exercise marathon walk to american club up the stairs down the stairs yada. andrew was in one of his worst moods again god knows why but as i said i always get used to things which i shouldnt get used to. makes sense no? well dinner was at coca which was not fantastic but wasnt bad. then we decided to go jp's house to drink beer. went back to his place to get his keys first and andrew charles shaun and i were stuck in a jam for fucking long and i was getting car sick and sleepy. riding in a mini cooper ain't that great afterall. and it was a bitch getting a cab after that no kidding. damn mountbatten road must be so near to national stadium where coincidentally and most unfortunately was the night of the closing ceremony. ughh seriously i think we waited for like 2 whole hours. i was feeling hot tired and grumpy and i had to put on a happy/patient/hopeful face cos andrew was getting damn impatient and moody and as if one angry man isnt enough. it wasn't a very good day actually come to think about it.

sun: went to church, went to vivocity again with the extended family and i bought a clutch from aldo which i wanted to get the last time but forgot all about it and a belt from forever21 (yes i know im boring) considering i only slept from 4am to 8am the previous night i lasted pretty long today. wanted to take a short nap in the afternoon but andrew called me out so i went to siglap first to meet him charles jessie and yvonne for coffee. all of us decided to go for a movie tonight transformers which was awesome! but we headed back to his place first. well it was fun- imagine a 1.5 hour long conversation with lani, his maid who is so interesting and a conversation about buah keluaks with his mom who offered to give me some to give my mom to cook ayam buah keluak. hehe and a weird debate on whether wasabi peas are nice while staring at lani dig buah keluak shells. (i was feeling nervous about what to say because i've never had such a long intense conversation with her) oh well the later part of the day didnt go very well did it.

ok im damn tired it's 320 am and i should go sleep instead of rambling on about my boring uninteresting life which maybe just appears interesting but really it's not my life is quite sad actually. and even though half the time it appears that im just rambling on about wormy i dont mean to, it's just that sometimes i feel he occupies >50% of my energy which is very tiring for me and somehow he seems to be in my life every single day. which is good i guess, for now. this has to stop because by the rate im going, im becoming more and more dependent on him and it'll be dreadful if it becomes a i must see him everyday habit which won't be good for me because i have to start studying for exams again but i am very happy to depend on him to a certain degree although i do get disappointed at times. you see im rambling on about him again ok BYE

(oh yea a final note, jeannine come back from perth quick my exams have ended and brinjal lee where have you been! after you read this call me call me! hee. )

2007-06-27T02:34:00.001-07:00

i fucked up my math paper today big time.
and i feel rather upset because it's supposed to be my strongest subject and i actually did study for it. and it's like i know i could have done 6 more marks but i just didnt think of it then. like you know the stress and panic got to me so i didnt have a clear mind and all.. one of those times where i feel it was just a waste. i could have done so much better. oh wells no point wallowing in self pity. it's lit tmr and im done. (for now)

anw i cant wait to party it up. mari and i are thinking of going to bangkok (and most probably are) on the 13th of june to give ourselves a nice holiday before we get into muggermode again. think we're leaving on the 13th and coming back on the 16th. to kyna, dawn, jen, jean, cand, mich, charm, steffi if you guys wanna go just tell me. then we can have fun fun fun. im gonna go do HAIR EXTENSIONS BABY. hee wanna see how i look with long hair yayyyyyyyyy

okay bye! CANT WAIT TILL LIT IS OVER TMRRRRRRRRR. (:

2007-06-25T03:34:00.001-07:00

i had my second panic/frenzy attack last night at about 10 pm. haha it was pretty funny because i called my bestfriend and even though her words didnt even comfort me that much (haha) it just felt good to cry to her. hee

and then i called mari and we both just started laughing for a good 5 mins, like non stop laughing. sounds insane no?

and then i called andrew

" girl just relax la, it's too late already anyway. if i were you i'd go watch tv for the rest of the night. just relax. deep breaths.. " and he started on his long speech of how im wasting my life and i should have started earlier yadayada...... and it's too late now so just make the best of it. well i felt like shit after that.

but anyway, geog and econs are over and the next person who asks me how was it i swear knuckle sandwich with extra ketchup on the way in your face before you know it BAAM. haha.

ok math and lit left. well i dont really care much already. cant wait for thursday. (:

little women have little secrets

2007-06-22T22:09:00.000-07:00

i feel like a complete mess.

ive got 2 papers on monday, geog and econs which is gonna make monday a damn intense day and im scared outta my wits because i suck at geog so bad it aint funny. and i can feel myself losing it -- i mean who walks into the sliding door not once but TWICE on the same day. im not concentrating on anything else other than how im gonna fuck up this common test so bad and im perpetually in daze mode. wed ive got math which i thought is gonna be okay but then last night i realised how much more shit i have to cover and then i had this frenzy/panic attack. and dont get me started on lit because i have barely started and lit aint exactly my strongest. (and damn rj hasnt taught us how to compare joseph conrad and wilfred owen in terms of modern writings and they're just gonna fling the question in our faces)

it's only common tests 2 but i feel fucking unprepared for everything. everyday i wake up looking bad and going to sleep looking bad as well (ok this is random haha). i cant wait till thurs when everything is over at least i can take 1.5 weeks of break and then slowly but consistently start studying for prelims. ive already planned out my after-cts-activities. he he

thurs: paper ends at 11am, go home sleep then go out
fri: shopppppppping! and then at night i'll go meet my girls
sat: shopppppingggg! wormy's bday dinner
sun: CUPCAKE BAKING
mon: CUPCAKE BAKING
tues: CUPCAKE BAKING
wed: CUPCAKE BAKING
thurs: CUPCAKE BAKING
fri: night out with girls
sat: night out with girls
sun: relax and plan new study timetable

i have been dreaming about cupcakes and i was telling andrew and charles about how im gonna set up a cupcake business next time and they told me the first step to success is to get the best recipes right. and trust me im gonna make my cupcakes unique and delicious. good cake, good frosting, good decorating. it aint gonna be like those preppy sch girls cupcakes (no offence yea) that just aim to look pretty but taste like shit. ive been sourcing out the amazing cupcake factories in the states and those are the real shit im talking about. charles told me about johnny cupcake and it's a pretty damn good idea. omg im fantasizing about cupcakes again help.

ok bye!

2007-06-18T01:44:00.000-07:00

im really sorry jeannine i couldnt make it for your performance thing. as from the post below i had father's day dinner and im trying to mug like crazy.. but none the less i hope it went very well babe. love you jean.

2007-06-17T08:05:00.000-07:00

studying kills studying kills studying kills studying kills studying kills.

tmr's a packed day i gotta be in sch at 11am for geog consultation and then i have math lesson at 1 pm to god knows when and then have math tuition at 430pm. i've barely touched on lit and am still pretty clueless about geog but im just thinking this is common test 2, maybe the bad results will give me a good wake up call and then i will truly start mugging-- anti-distractions. but till then i'll just be worrying and stressing about the damn cts and praying that some miracle might happen where all the exam papers suddenly got burnt by a big fire or the teachers all went on strike or sthing. or the best dream in my life: A levels are abolished, universities all close down and everyone just lives happily where women just cook, sew and become desperate housewives and have hot gardeners.

today's father's day and my sis dad and i (mom's not in sg) went to the turquoise room at depot road (near villa bali) to have our second father's day dinner and it was really a good experience.

despite being father's day and a sunday, only 2 other tables were occupied not including ours but this certainly did not dampen my expectations of the meal because i just loved the deco even though the floor looked a little shabby, imagine cement with scratches haha. i guess it was because of the secluded and unfamiliar location. the menu had quite a variety ranging from salads to pastas to pizzas and main entrees. my dad ordered the red snapper fillet which came served on a bed of fresh crisp veggies and it was great. the fish was extremely fresh, no fishy taste and wasnt too oily, like the grilled fishes in other restaurants. instead of the usual garlic butter sauce which usually makes the fish too oily, it was delicately topped off with olive paste which hit the spot. i had the seafood and asparagus pasta with garlic cream sauce. although the linguine was a little too hard for my liking the creamy sauce and seafood (prawn and scallop) made up for it. the texture of the asparagus wasnt too soft nor hard. my sis had the crab meat pasta and even though they werent too generous with the crab meat, the tomato sauce had hints of garlic, chives and white wine. her linguine was perfect and wasnt a lil hard like mine. oh yes we also had the bread and dip platter which was very very good and my dad had mushroom soup as well. it was a little bitter from the mushrooms but that was what i liked about it because there was not the slightest hint of campbell mushroom or processed ones.

the service was excellent (maybe because there were only 3 tables occupied) and to top it all off we had a glass of white wine (sauvignon blanc) and it was sweet and just nice. overall the bill came up to about 90 dollars cos we had a 10% discount and i think it was pretty reasonable. so yes my dear friends be nice to me and i will bring you guys there. hee hee. 2 must trys for the next visit would be the smoked duck salad, which you have to wait a full 20 mins for while the duck is getting smoked from scratch, and the lamb shack.

okay cheers to a whole week of mugging, getting distracted and pure frustration. (:

2007-06-15T23:22:00.000-07:00

im scared and im afraid.

common tests are in a week and i still have so much to cover. i think i had a little too much fun this holiday. and now that only a week's left i start to feel all guilty but yet i dilly-dally a whole lot still. and there's tons of distractions all around. argh it's so frustrating really. i was just thinking about it, im fucking scared i cant get into a good course in uni. i mean my grades would have to be superb since i dont have a substantial cca and cip record. and im so worried about it that's why i think the 3 strands of white hair appeared. it's absolutely impossible for me to get 4 As and my cca sucks and i wont have a good testimonial. god help me.

and im afraid, cos i think im becoming too dependent on you for everything. but it's impossible for me to stop talking to you. i just can't. steffi said im lying to myself and everyone around me. haha. welll this is sooooooo bold and beautiful and days of our lives. but we'll figure this out won't we.

ok im looking forward to charm's birthday dinner at oosh next week. and CTs to be over on the 28th and that very day is andrew's birthday dinner. well wish me luck!

2007-06-10T07:16:00.000-07:00

the past few days have been fun alright.. hee hee

on friday in the evening i went to gardens to meet mich and cand first. and i realised i eat the salad almost every single damn day. hahaha. and im still not sick of it, YET. ha ha. and then thaddaeus came down then i went with him to go town to get john's birthday present and then went to meet john and his friends. dawn and charm came. then we went home club.

I HATE INDIE x 2957890385098 times. hahaha. ok la im just not into it, and i dont really like it. i was just there for the sake of seeing all my friends. it was pretty fun i guess. a pretty unexpected person showed up but i was so nonchalent about it you guys should have given me an award. hah. seriously i think he should just burn and eat shit but i still pick up his calls and reply his msges but what's wrong with being just friends right? and i mean it this time it's really just FRIENDS. hahah.

sat was john's surprise thing i went to get the cake with mari and the rest all met at john's house surprise surprise but the stupid guard gave it away so oh wells. then we went to phunk bar to meet the resttttt. mich cand charm came down.. and all the rj dudes. then cos john wanted to go st james me mari and john took a cab down first and then when we went there they said guys was 23 years old and we were like wtf. so we went to zoukk with thaddaeus elyas stuart and it was funnnnnnn. then i got into trouble with my dad so i had to rush homee. but anyhow happy happy birthday john stanley wisnioski xavier ngai kit blahblahblah. even though i hate you like 90% of the time yest was the other 10%. hahahahhaa. but only cos it was your birthday. (:

i havent done much work and i feel damn guilty cos CTs are like 2 weeks away and i feel terrible. and the past few days ive just been thinking about so much stuff like you know flashes of memories here and there. hahahahahha.

okay have a great week!

2007-06-06T08:13:00.000-07:00

i think getting married is one of the most beautiful things that can ever happen. my tutor, han, just got married and the mass was at the beautiful sji chapel and dinner was at the four seasons. and looking at the slide show, everything was just perfect and her descriptions of everything made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. tee hee.

go check it out

www.gabrielmendes.com/ivo/

her husband's name is Ivo Bloodworth and she's Phua Han Ling. imagine: Bloodworth Han Ling. hehehehe.

anyway, today i went to have lunch with jen at bishan, and then we went to gardens for haato (follow your heart) and she came to my house and study... it was great catching up and despite all her piercings and that tattoo, she's one of the most sensible person ive met, always giving great advice and everything. thanks babe.

STUDYING KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLS physical geog is the ultimate who the hell gives a shit how rocks form and the dingy processes of weathering and WHO CARES ABOUT GRANITE AND LIMESTONE.

i feel so ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2007-06-04T08:26:00.000-07:00

today i had tuition from 9am to 12pm. and then i went down to island creamery with my sis cos she's working and then charm steffi and andrew yap came to join to study from 1 to 6. and then i went to gardens to meet mich to mug somemore. and then cand the santa claus came for a while. and then i took the same walk back home. and then here i am trying to preoccupy myself.

anyone who wants to date me out to study please call thank you. (yes this is directed at the kyna that best friend the one you know that one that girl that one)

i got tuition tmr again. and then im gonna try to mug again. cannot cannot slack anymore anymore. I NEED MY 4 As. ))))))))))))))))))))):

please stop calling

2007-06-02T09:46:00.000-07:00

to all my friends who really care about me:

haha. anw just wanted to say that im fine now. because i just like finalised things with andrew, SENSE OF FINALITY and i finally saw what kinda guy he really really is, and i cannot imagine myself nor ANY other poor girl being with him cos he's just so fucked up on all levels. haha. as in it feels great to finally see things for yourself and now i really know how it feels like for you to discover things on your own, and not just merely listen to other people (which i dont too cos im too stubborn). hahah.

but yea, as in he told me that he'll always be there when i need him and i can still call him, and he'll find me when he needs me and still call me. but i told myself that i wont call him.. nor be as close to him.. because really, it's a waste of my time and energy. and the next time he calls, i'll talk for like 20 secs and say like oh im busy studying.. call you another time which i wont. hehe.

oh yea and girlies dont be bitchy or like angry towards him, cos really it's not worth your energy. just be normal, like how im going to be..

and finally..

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING THAT HE'S A GOOD GUY DEEP INSIDE AND BLAHBLAHBLAH I COULD CHANGE HIM BLAHBLAHBLAH AND WHY THE HELL DID I LIKE HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE. LOL LOL LOL so stupid

and as the saying goes.. "there are so many fishes in the sea..." so yea HE'S NOT EVEN A FISH. he's like PLANKTON. NO NO HE'S LIKE THE SHIT OF THE FISH THAT THE SUCKERFISH EATS. hahahhaa.

all i need to do now is study fucking hard. get myself into a good university and have a good future. while he goes to army when he's fucking 21 and after that god knows where. heehee. okay that's mean cant believe miss bitchy came out but yea, i hope you guys get my point. there's so much more to my life and i have a long long way to go. (:

ok it's time for me to sleep nowwwww. it's been a long long long tiring day. i need to be all prepped up for studying tmrr and the day after, and the day after, and the next and the next and the next.

(charm just invited me for dinner tmr with hot polo boys. HAHAHAH to get myself out of all this. i want j _ _ _ _ _ hehehehehehhehe JOKINGG LA. )

(thank you hot john for being there for me todayy and treating me to banana chocolate drink tho i wish you'd offered to beat him up for me. hahah kiddddddding. but no thank you really)

ok byebye!

2007-06-01T21:21:00.001-07:00

wow this is great ain't it. not only have i cut off all contact with andrew, but now my bestfriend's angry with me cos i didnt tell her what happened and thinks that i dont need her anymore.

kyna, it's not that i didnt want to tell you what happened it's just that i cant. if i tell you every single fucking thing that happened you would hate him, wait all of you kyna jean jen dawn would hate him. and then when you guys see him, you all would bitch him. and then he'll come SCOLD ME and say that im the one causing all this trouble. that all you guys heard is only my side of the story and that's being "very unfair to him". he'll say that im the crazy one creating all these unnecessary animosity.

secondly, kyns there's always a right place and a right time for me to tell you what happened. we were at coffee bean and the last thing i wanted was to cry there and then which i most probably would have since even as im typing this im shedding pathetic tears.

you guys all along knew that this wasnt a friendship and that i just insisted it was just to make myself believe it was too. he went to fucking make things complicated by getting me more and more involved emotionally and physically and yea i was stupid. and then after everything happens he comes and tells me that all he sees in this is FRIENDSHIP and that he "made a promise to his girlfriend that i'll marry her". so everything is just so fucking contradictory that sometimes i really think that he's schizo.

and then to top it all off, kyna just told me that he was at club home last night, when he told me he wasnt going to go out with the guys anymore and was gonna stay home. and please all he said to me was to study? fucking bullshit nonsense crap. btw he said that the biggest problem is not about me and him. the biggest problem is myself. and how i should overcome it and study my ass off. and i bet he was in a good mood because i wasn't there and what's the point in treating my friends all damn nicely when you fucking treat me like trash and shit. what's the point.

and please guys, i begging you all even though you guys know about this. please just keep it to yourself, and next time you guys see him just be normal and calm. because i know that one day karma is gonna get him. what goes around comes around.

jen i bet youre thinking like "see tell her so many times already" or "i told you so.." haha. but i'll learn. i'll learn from this.

so to my dearest kyna, it's not that i dont need you anymore or whatever. but really girl, it was just fucking hard for me. and i admit that i was being terrible to you yesterday and im really sorry. but everything's just going very badly for me and i just didnt wanna see charles and all at club home cos they'll only remind me of andrew and luckily i didnt go home club cos eventually andrew was there. i want to get away from everything associated with him to make myself forget and realise what an ass he really is. and that i dont fucking deserve any of this and that most importantly, it's his fucking loss. i need to make myself stop crying over someone who really isnt worth it.

2007-05-31T21:18:00.000-07:00

haha. it's history repeating its fucking self. and i just laugh because this is the THIRD fucking time that i fell for it. not once, not twice but THREE FUCKING TIMES. well to put it simply, again he took me for a ride but this time it's worse because i think i involved myself too much, and i was too vulnerable. well look what happened? it was expected i guess, but i just didnt expect things to end so soon.

well im trying to look at things from the brighter side, from a more positive side and i refuse, absolutely refuse to mope around the house cos he's just not worth it. and i was thinking maybe this is a sign that he'll only do more harm than good to me. so i should be glad that at least this relationship (if you even think it's a normal one) ended now then nearer my common tests, or prelims or A levels.

im not angry with him, okay fine maybe i am a little. but since 2 of his friends told him to stay away from me, and since i guess this never meant to work out anyway im glad things ended now. i was investing too much time, emotions and energy into this. and i stupidly baked brownies for him yesterday since he complained that i didnt bake stuff for him. haha at least the distraction's gone, and all i have to do is just study my ass off. for the rest of the fucking year.

come on, i know im worth more than this. and really, it's his fucking loss. not that i think im great or anything, but i just know what kinda fucked up character he has. and from this experience, all i hope is to be stronger, to realise that not everyone in this world is nice, and to not be so gullible and naive in the future.

the memories still linger, and he's still in my thoughts maybe every single damn moment. but im gonna get through this. i know i can. can you believe it i liked him so much that i didnt mind sharing him with someone else. lol really how screwed up can i get. and hahaha get this: he made a promise that he'll marry his girlfriend. well knowing the andrew that i know, if it actually does happen i'll be america's next top model.

and you know that friendship doesnt just stay at friendship, (god i hate that fucking word. it's overrated) i could jolly well make do with one less person in my life. so all this might just do me good.

i bet yall can tell im just trying to convince myself and it's actually working. ok im gonna go mug at gardens already. im gonna get through this. i know i can, and i have to.

2007-05-29T08:49:00.000-07:00

Complete and total adoration,

My gift to you, my heart was yours

well, life is full of surprises don't you think?

2007-05-28T10:29:00.000-07:00

sat was spent at cafe del mar celebrating my best friend's birthday and it was actually fun without the glitches. a very very very diverse crowd but it was all good. and i live for drama-mama weekends like these. sense the sarcasm please. well i guess everyone already knows what happened and arent you guys all just like what the fuck. hahaha. well the highlight of the night was actually being acquainted with an iranian, a pakistanis, a french and a japanese. international friendship right there dont you think? and btw they do PERFECT impersonations of borat.

did you guys know that sunday was global prayer day and somehow people had to go to church at 4am to pray. bet yall didnt know that fun fact.

today is monday and i survived on only 4 hours of sleep last night. andrew came over today to see my new place and just relax and unwind. we watched just friends and it was fucking funny i swear. and what an apt title for a movie that we watch together dont you think? hahahahhaa. my sister was surprisingly nice to him and even sent him home, yea tell me about being shocked. hehehe. i went to meet the girls for kyna's bday dinner, at tonkichi in taka, it was okay i guess, but i felt that it was a lil too pricey for the kind of food they served. went back home and andrew was supposed to come over again but instead he and charles came to pick me up and we went for some good old kopitiam coffee at gardens.

haha. seriously how screwed up can i get. it's hilarious.

2007-05-25T08:56:00.000-07:00

last sat we went to oosh to celebrate mari's bday (actually it was just me and her first) it's an awesome place. everyone should go there. and then we went heeren to find cand and michh and then the fun part came. we went to clarke quay, went into clinic, then the bar (realised we couldnt use the drink coupon) so we ordered a bottle of white wine and cand treated us to the syringes thing which was so damn cooool and kinkyy. and then we went back into the main clinic, or whatever that's called and cand again ordered jugs, it was one for one then mari and i went crazy hahahahhahaha. then we went into mos and squeezed into smoove. then i went out to make a phonecall and i couldnt walk back in properly how embarrassing went straight to the toilet and crashed on the toilet floor. ggxx. hahahahhaha. slept a bit i think then michh my hero came to save me and i puked and puked and puked. well in other words, I AM NEVER DRINKING THIS MUCH EVER AGAIN I PROMISE. feeels terrible and i have damn bad alcohol tolerance level (yea laugh all you want) and im not a drinker, i dont love to drink like drunkards.

rugby finals on wed. so proud of all of them. love love. gp common test. /:

and then thurs andrew drove and picked me up from sch (wow quick admit that im lucky) and then because he only had 2 bucks in his wallet we had to go to one of his clubs to have lunch so that he can sign on his dad's account. went to sicc, and chillaxxxxxxxx then he sent me home i slept went gardens to meet mich to study study study.

today is fri and after sch i went to meet steffi in gardens. then charmaine came then both andrews came with respective friends and i was there since 130 to 1030 trying to study but today was rather unproductive. oh and i went to get a manicureeeee today i was so happy but i just just just realised that it got scratched a little. well life's tough. haha. went liquid when cand and mich joined us im so tired now that im gonna crash goodnight.

oh yea kyna's bday celebration tmr at cafe del mar i hope it'll be fun im getting excited.

oh yea and jiejie if youre reading this,
congrats again on your excellent wonderful amazing unbelieveable results. (:

HOLIDAYSSSSS ARE FUCKING HEREEEEEEEEEEEEE.

2007-05-18T01:26:00.000-07:00

mari's birthday surprise in school went very well. i pretended that i was sick and couldnt go school. and then during break i went to surprise her. ordered awfully chocolate cake and 20 awesome cupcakes and i got her a pink topshop dress, pink flowers basically almost everything was pink cos she's head of the bimbo army. hah. then i made her get a blue slip and we came back to my house, got changed. then i went to american club to meet andrew and had lunch, chilled in a nice lounge and indulged in such an intense conversation that it got me all thinking. how all the bad circumstances and wrong timing all became a recipe for disaster. all the what ifs, could haves and should haves. but dont we all love conversations like these? then he dropped me home and i had tuition /: okay so those were basically the highlights of the horrible school week. anw, happy birthday mari (:

i had better set my ass down to studying. i swear if not im so fucked. andrew gave me a good wake up call last night which got me all stressed and damned. and the best part is he promised me my miu miu wallet next year if i get 4As. well i pretty do sure hope i can get those damn As. (: and im hyped up for mari's birthday dinner tmr still havent decided on a place though and the people coming. oh dear what should i wear. hehehehheh.

okay have a great weekend everyone!

the grey zone.

2007-05-13T09:44:00.000-07:00

status quo, that's the best.
real close without making things complicated and risk falling out again.
intimate but just really good friends.

all because i treasure you this much. thanks for everything love.

it's like suddenly you feel your heart is lighter and everything is just clearing up nicely. you can say the miss yous and love yous and fuck yous without feeling guilt in your heart and wondering whether it was appropriate to say those words at that time and basically, you just dont have to tire yourself out by picking up the pieces that were left behind. it's amazing how even though there's so much bad history and how i once said "i can never be friends because it's just too hard so it's goodbye forever" i guess i love to dramatise things hee hee but guess what i feel so spiritually lifted

and now i can call you as many times as i want without thinking "hmm have i called him too many times today" and not wait for phonecalls at night or throughout the day which can be so damn tiring and annoying and when he doesnt call you start thinking about why is he not calling and whether you should call. i sound like a small girl crushing over some boy haha. it's really not like that. and lastly, i can say i love you without questioning myself whether i really mean it and thinking about all the terrible consequences you'd have to face up to if anything goes wrong. because i do really love you as a friend. and let's face it everytime something happens between us in less than 24 hrs i will pick up a fight and everything just goes down the drain.

i love your company and your laughter and your voice and all the stupid things that you do. and even though you can get VERY flirty and cheeky and just do your thing (like how you do it to most girls hahaha) it's all these that really makes me bask in your presence. i doubt i have ever came across ANY guy much like you because you are, i can safely say one of a fucking kind. haha

i hope this lasts and both of us can keep it up. and no candy, it's not "friends with benefits"

(:

2007-05-11T09:57:00.000-07:00

this week has been a terrible week. school was horrible every single day. okay the only highlights of the week was thadd's bday party at jason's house, rugby RJ vs AC and thadd's mini birthday party on the real date itself. im so bummed out right now and im watching MTV : Dance. which is terrible. fucked up moody crappy shit.

i dont think i can handle complicated now.

2007-05-07T06:32:00.000-07:00

you never know what's going to happen next. and you dont even know what to expect or what not to expect and what should you not expect. this suspense is slowly killing me, and i dont think i want to endure it any longer.

really youre not worth anything. i dont deserve this.

ive watched 3 awesome movies in 2 days.

1. pretty woman
2. the holiday
3. love actually

ive watched love actually a gazillion times, and i just cant get enough of it. pretty woman is the awesomest show everrrrrrrrrrrr. and the holiday is good too.

well i love to watch these kinda sappy movies and cry to yourself. hee hee im weird i know. ok seeyall byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

2007-05-01T09:44:00.000-07:00

again it's one of those times where you feel so helpless and there's nothing you can do to improve the situation. absolutely nothing and everything just reeks.

i hate it.

2007-04-30T10:47:00.000-07:00

a lot like love is one of the best movies ever.

the stubborness in me will only bring me to my downfall, again

it's just like knowing smoking is bad but you still smoke because you like it, and you find it so hard to quit even though it's like destroying your lungs and making you die at the age of 30... same thing isn't it?

refer to my last post and this, i think i am the new master of analogies. heheh

2007-04-29T09:25:00.000-07:00

all the feelings are coming back, i hate how im feeling like this, I HATE IT. because it shows how vulnerable i am, again. and this has to stop, before i fall in any deeper, and i cant afford to.. not in a crucial year like this. everything is coming back, and seriously its history repeating itself but this time everything's just perfect i have no idea why. and the only way out is for you to leave, since i can't fucking bring myself to.

i hate the predicament im in. it's like standing at the edge of a cliff and its gonna break off anytime and you cant move cos youre afraid any movement will cause it to break and youre just standing there, just holding your breath and praying so hard that you wont fall. and then suddenly i decide to take one big leap up to safety, and this jump can either save me, or i could fall to my death. i never know. and that's a perfect analogy to how im feeling now.

It's hard holding you
Loving you, losing you
It's sad to be true
And be fooled by you
I don't know
I gotta know
Should I stay or should I go?

You played me on
Played me like a clown
But I feel for you
Eventhough I'm down

My heart is heavy
Heavy like a rock
But I am so amused
You're still in my thoughts

well the emo me, i have always loved that song. it's awesome. ok im gonna sleep alr. school's a drag. ):

late night phonecalls <3 <3 <3

2007-04-27T21:03:00.000-07:00

and here we go again..

2007-04-26T09:22:00.000-07:00

there was a house on a hill,
a boy got angry and he
broke into my heart.

sometimes i really dont know what i want. some days i want this, and somedays i want that some days i feel great, and somedays i feel like shit. somedays i tell myself one thing, and im doing the exact opposite the next minute. words are so darn cheap.

it's childish how someone can be the brunt of all my frustrations and anger. you know that hatred where you have practically no reason to hate but still you do maybe there is a reason but it's only a teeny weeny percentage of the hatred that you should feel towards someone else but you intensify and drag it and enlarge it bit by bit, little by little and eventually you feel so stupid cos at the end of the day youre the stupid one. im not making much sense but i just cant stop typing i dont know why.

anw i have so much work to catch up on that it's not even funny yea who said it was funny yada. i realise that i hate ppl who are a threat to me in any way, any possible way. now that is called CHILDISH dont you think? but wait isnt everyone like that.

okay time to sleep and not skip econs lecture anymore because the goodlooking hamsum teacher is out to capture me. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY i hope im held captive. hehehehehhehh. whorehouse

2007-04-12T10:12:00.000-07:00

to the chap who was with me since i was in primary 3, the boy who was so white and cute and whom i admit didnt spend much time with and only played with him as and when i want. to my baby who was so cute who knew how to "put your head down" and just oozed with cuteness. my ralphie baby.

the construction worker left the gate open and both him and dollie ran out. we managed to find dollie and form 230 pm till night we searched for him high and low. i was at the polo finals when i got the call from my mom and i blame myself for not coming home immediately to search for him. i thought he was just around and could be easily found. we hung up notices everywhere in serangoon gardens. the next morning jason went looking for him and the saddest news we heard was that the people around amk industrial area said they saw an accident, the car knocked down a white dog. the heartless damn car didnt even stop or anything, it was the people who moved the body to the side of the road. we managed to call the garbage people and he described the body to be "white dog, furry furry hair curly curly".

i cried and cried till no more tears were left. even though i didnt spend much time with him i really really really loved him. the heartless irresponsible car driver. why didnt we go to the industrial park to find him. one caller said she saw a white dog sniffing the grass at 6 plus so the accident must have taken place in the evening. my whole family is so distraught especially my mom. she said he was like a son to him. he was only 9 dog years.

my baby, i'll never forget you. i never imagined this day would come so soon, but it did. i love you ralphie. forever and ever. i still can't believe it. it hasnt even sunken in real deep.

dogs, the best animal ever. ralphie, the best dog ever. even though you weren't always nice smelling, even though hans said you were yellow and looked damn shabby. your eyes that always shined.

i still feel like shit. everytime i wake up, everytime i go to bed. we're going to buy a new maltese tmr, doesnt mean that we have gotten over ralphie and are just replacing him like that. but my mom said she has to stop grieving and focus her energy on a new puppy. we'll never ever forget you. never ever. i swear.

2007-04-04T09:01:00.000-07:00

im having a dinner and wine housewarming party at my place this sat. and im pretty hyped up about that.

kyns jen michh cand steffi charm mari (dawn can you take leave, jean why you never reply) we are gonna have a feast yummy yum yum cos im gonna take over the kitchen by storm! and cand you dont need to get insurance against food poisoning and it's so not funny. haha.

0kay packed weekend ahead.

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